Feb 04 2009
My Dilemma
Not all that long ago I wrote a post about the end of a friendship. She had been my best friend since 8th grade creative writing class and I missed her a lot. I suspected, without proof, that the demise of our friendship had something to do with her new boyfriend. We were all in the same circle of friends in high school but I never really spent any time with him, so it’s no wonder I didn’t realize that he is less than fond of me. I can’t say that for sure, but I was told by someone who used to be really good friends with him and I trust this person. So I feel that it is no coincidence that our friendship ended only weeks after she started dating him. I thought about deleting her on facebook but I am a big believer in the whole “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing, so I refrained. Anyways….onto the real reason for this post. My dilemma.
Two days ago my former bf’s status changed from ‘in a relationship’ to ’single’ and then her wall was flooded with posts from other people asking what happened and if she’s okay, so I figured the breakup was legit. I also wondered, if my hypothesis about the guy was true, would I be hearing from her soon. Last night I came home to a message from her. Not an apology or expression of any sort of regret. Nope. Just a two sentence message about CD’s I made for her months ago. I know her well enough to understand that she’s trying to test the water, and my response will determine whether or not she tries to reconcile. My problem is that I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about it in terms of breakups I’ve had with boyfriends. When someone hurts you like that, discards your relationship like yesterdays trash, it’s hard, if not impossible to continue on like nothing happened. Part of me, the part that remembers my ‘old’ friend, really wants the friendship back. But then there’s the hugely apprehensive part of me that keeps waving red flags yelling “hold on a minute!!” There is no guarantee that something like this won’t happen again. And I really can’t blame the entire thing on her boyfriend. We fought more in the latter part of last year than we have in the rest of our years as friends combined.
I’m stuck. I sent her a message back on facebook, so we’ll see what happens next. All I know is, if I decide to try to be friends with her again, we have a lot to discuss. And she really needs to learn how to apologize, sincerely and without being asked. If anyone reading this has any insight or advice please, please, please share it.
Lin - Thank you, that’s really great advice. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’ve been able to do that with other friends, I hang out, have fun, but I don’t tell them personal things or put my trust in them. I guess I never thought of her in those terms because in the past we were so close. What you said makes a lot of sense, and it really cleared up a lot of the back and forth going on in my head. Thank you again.
lunaticg - I guess it’s good to know that I’m not alone in my friendship struggles.
Thanks for the comment and I hope everything turned out well for you in that situation!
I honestly think that you should tell her exactly how you felt. Sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own world that they don’t even realize what they are doing to people that care about them.
If she’s flippent on your remark then she’s just a friend in good times and set your boundries before you rebuild your friendship with her.
I had a friend like this. No emotional support at all and would drop me like a hat to hang out with a guy. I just realized that when I wanted someone to go out with she was the one to call but she was going to be nothing more than that.
cmaher - I definitely agree with you about telling her how I feel. I’ve tried to do that in the past and she barely acknowledged my concerns and then we had the same problems all over again. And then there’s the fact that I hate confrontation. Often I worry that discussions will turn into arguements, so I just don’t bring it up at all. I know that I definitely need to set some boundaries, as hard as it may be. It’s really nice to hear someone elses point of view because obviously I’m biased. lol
Thank you for your advice!
Hi Jenni
I think Lin really has the right idea with this. Rekindle the friendship - she obviously meant a lot to you - but don’t put your all into it.
As we grow, we tend to form different friendships to fulfil different needs. This friendship can fulfil some needs, she sounds like someone you can have fun with, but you have to realise that you may not be able to rely on her when you really need someone to turn to.
Take things slowly. A friendship, like any relationship, needs to be built on trust and mutual respect. Don’t be the one to put everything into this and get nothing back in return.
I hope it all turns out well for you.
Best wishes
Sarah
Hi Sarah - I definitely agree with you (and Lin). I know that if I put my trust in her like I did before I will most likely be disappointed. I think we can be friends again as long as I can be dettached enough to not let her decisions - good or bad - effect me in any way.
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment….really great advice!