From In The Bubble

Watching 7 episodes of The City really tested my will to live. I even briefly considered faking my own death and going on the lamb just to escape every facet of the show. Whitney Port was tolerable on The Hills where they were considerate enough to hire someone to stand on a platform above her, pulling on strings to manipulate her face into those “situation appropriate” yet ridiculously over the top expressions. The fact that they neglected to (intentionally, I assume) have someone shove their hand up her ass and make her speak just made me appreciate them so much more. For some reason, no puppeteer was factored into the budget for The City, her strings were cut, and she’s been left to her own devices. Each episode is more painfully awkward than the last, panoramic views of the city fade to shots of the dead behind the eyes ostrich serving as Whitney’s stand in. I feel I need to share my reasons for despising the show, because I assume my blind hatred alone isn’t enough.

Whitney Port Filming The City - Photo By Fred Montana/Splash News

Asinine Story Lines - Every single episode, the following occurs without fail; Olivia “The last 10 pounds I lost were from my brain” Palermo says something bitchy. Someone (maybe they roll dice to decide who?) complains about their relationship, cries (if they have ovaries) and then the music swells. And at some point Whitney makes her “I don’t understand your human language” face. It’s like watching all the really stupid kids in high school trying to figure out their combination locks. Entertaining…but then just really, really sad.

Olivia Palermo At A Screening Of “He’s Just Not That Into You” - Photo By Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

Jay Lyon -Whitney’s sort of boyfriend. Every-time I see him I just want to… well what I really want to do is tie him to something large and heavy (perhaps his overinflated ego) and drop him off of the Brooklyn Bridge, but that’s a bad thing to say. He’s a straight up douche-bag who plays wing-man to a guy who cheats on and lies to his girlfriend but takes serious offence to Whitney suggesting that “You are who you hang with.”

Jay Lyon Taking A Stroll Through New York City’s Noho Neighbourhood - Photo By Tom Meinelt-Jackson Lee/Splash News

The Entire Cast - While I’m not a big fan of The Hills either, at least the interactions between the characters (real or fake) are believable. On The Cityit doesn’t even look like any of them like each-other, yet we are forced to watch them awkwardly brunch. Every. Single. Episode. One girl in particular, model girl, I can never remember her name, (A….A….Anorexic?) has this really manic look about her, like she’s one misplaced calorie away from shaving her head and chasing plastic bags through Central Park.

Partial Cast Of The City - Olivia Palermo, Whitney Port, Erin Lucas - At A Party In NYC - Photo By Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images

Geography - I’m fine with absurd reality shows set in Los Angeles. I’ve accepted that it’s the land of watermelon chested slow thinkers and prematurely balding wannabe rockstars in too tight pants. Pants whose tightness I can only hope will someday (soon!) cause infertility. But not New York. I love New York. I want to move to New York. But now I’m afraid to even go there, lest I run into one of them and they steal my soul in an attempt to inject some life into Whitney.

Waterfall Art Installation At The Brooklyn Bridge - Designed By Olafur Eliasson - Photo By Mario Tama/Getty Images

So…for at least the foreseeable future I will be hating from afar, just hoping that their idiocy isn’t contagious.

Note: All Photos Are From www.picapp.com